Undecided. Am I? Maybe? No? Yes? Argh!! what?

Picture undecided.

                   OR






Forget the above, just look at me.

So today I finished my application for a Masters Degree. It was a pretty intense application with a lot of information required and proof of previous marks etc so it was a little drawn out getting it all together.

Today I also logged onto my current university to which I am enrolled to check semester dates for next year. I also replied to a scholarship email about choosing my professional mentor for next year.

So yes, I'm a little undecided.

So much of my life has been up in the air the last few years professionally, personally and health-wise. I've never really thought much about whether I had a life plan prior to illness.
I wasn't someone who knew at age 4 what I was going to be. I did know from since I can remember that I wanted to work in health and I always tossed around the idea of studying medicine to become a doctor. Then in year 7 legally blonde was all the rage so I thought that I might be a lawyer. Pink outfits, nice laptops, pretty hair and nails, cute dog and nice boy to top it off. Makes sense right?!? Ok so the lawyer thing didn't last long at all. I went back to my passion of healthcare.

I am now in limbo. I'm in limbo in so many areas of my life and I hate it. But today - especially in relation to my future career & study options, I'm stuck in abeyance.

I know my first preference would be to continue to study medicine and become a doctor but I do not know if I am physically capable of the coursework. Mentally my capacity to think & study is fine most of the time (I think?!). If I were to finish the degree I know there are many areas in which you don't need to stand countless hours of the day or do physical tasks. I believe I could work in a specialty, even with having some degree of disability, without too many hassles but I also understand the need for the coursework to be completed to prove competence & understanding of practises within many areas. Obviously the only way to become a doctor is through hard work, persistence and medical school. There is good reason for completing the degree as it's designed, as not only does it provide a wide base of knowledge but it also allows for the opportunity to see if you are up to scratch and ready to work in the field. It was so competitive to get in and it is something I don't want to give up until I am forced to make that decision by my health. Right now I'm clutching to straws as I'm on my last lifeline in attempt to save my position in the course.
In the meantime as I am covering all basis. I have applied for a masters in which I could complete via distance education for a start. Thankfully because I have already completed my degree in OT the option to do a masters or graduate diploma is viable to me. The one I've applied for is still within the healthcare scope, just a different aspect of it. It could be really interesting and I am intrigued as to the opportunities it possesses upon completion. I am hoping I get accepted. Not because I am certain I want it but I could see myself happy in this field and above all, I need to do something.

I need to do something 'normal'. I am enjoying being home and out of hospital. This is a wonderful feeling of freedom and unknown. I like that I can choose what I want to wear each day instead of a nurse grabbing whatever's in my draw, I like having options for breakfast, I like my own room, I like my own timetable. Upon realising I was still in hospital at the start of Semester 2, I have had no intentions of studying as I would be far to behind and I am not physically up to it. This time has been used to make the most of getting better with lots of rehabilitation and getting my feet back on the ground, both literally and figuratively. I am glad I have had this time to rest, recover & reboot from the first 9months of this year as I was so seriously ill at times, but I think am ready to get back into life and continue on my journey to better health.

As much as I'd like to flush my health issues down the toilet the fact is I am still really unwell and extremely debilitated. I cannot sit up for longer than a few minutes unsupported or move in certain directions and postures without going unconscious. Sickness has become such a huge consuming part of my life and I have not been able to control it. Now that I'm home and no longer in hospital I have more control over my days. This illness will not go away or magically disappear but I will keep getting stronger and keep fighting for the full life that I want. I am going to have the normal life I desire, there might just be some added elements to make my normal work for me. My life will involve a career. My life will involve a social life. My life will involve meaning. My life will involve a relationship. My life will involve ambition. My life will involve my friends & family. My life will involve everything and anything I want.

If I don't fight for what I want and bow down to accept my current situation as permanent then I am the loser in this story. By starting to do something normal and continue from there I hope that I'll have as good of a life as I would've if this didn't happen to me. I may not get as far as I would've in some aspects but in others I have already soared beyond my furtherst imagination. This journey is a bitch. It's cruel and nasty and plain out unfair but instead of letting this illness consume my whole being, it will be  just a part of me not all of me.

So even though I have NO idea what I'm doing I know that I'm doing something. If the something is another year of recovery or restarting my Uni studies than so it will be.
What are you doing?
What is your 'something'?

Pondering Pain

 "I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my          destination."

(Jimmy Dean)

OUCH!!

That word pretty much sums up my week thus far.

This week has been pretty painful. I had an operation on Monday which will hopefully allow my future admissions and treatments to go smoothly and more easily. I am really hopeful this will be worthwhile and helpful, whilst keeping in mind it does have it risks.

As most of you know I will push myself 110% to regain my life so I'm a bit bummed that I didn't go to my scheduled specialist appointment or 2 other appointments this week but I plan on being back & ready to face the world by Monday. 

In my head I thought this surgery would be more of a hiccup and bump than this speed bump it has perpetuated into. People told me it would hurt a lot and the articles I read about the procedure indicated it would be sore post-op yet I chose to block this knowledge out and plan for little discomfort and pain. Why did I do that?

I don't know. I'm doing quite fine now pain wise & I think I'm on the sliding scale downwards to my normal self. The pain I have experienced this week has been completely different to my normal pain experiences. I've always known there are different types of pain and this week has most definitely reminded me of that!

Pain is all relative. 

Some people sitting upright happily drinking their cup of tea rate their pain as 10/10

Some people lying in bed resting in a relaxed position claim their pain to be an 8/10

Someone doubled over screaming claims their pain is 3/10

Another person doubled over in pain screaming claims their pain is 12/10

Someone with their arm twisted and broken claims their pain as a 4/10.

I have experienced a lot of pain since becoming unwell and developing quite severe neuropathic pain & other conditions (thanks to my dodgy ANS) which have changed my understanding of a pain experience. Before getting sick I don't recall having much pain in my life. I had the odd operation and falls on the netball courts & exercise activities etc but nothing too memorable. Nowadays pain is an everyday experience for me that ranges from discomfort to excruciating sensations. 

Pain is horrible. I feel for any human or creature in pain and wish it could be alleviated. I wish that we were a pain free society and no one had to experience it to any degree. Not only is pain itself difficult, but there are other contributing factors like peoples perceptions of their own pain and of
others pain experiences, how we deal with pain and comparison of pain levels can all be challenging. 

We can never know the "worst" pain in the world. All we can know is how our worst pain experience feels and we can aim to fix or ease that. In hospital over the years I have seen a variety of people experience pain for many different reasons. Through my observations I feel that the job of medical professionals to decipher what each pain means or what is happening within the body is tough. So how and who decides what is the right or most correct pain response to the situation? 

I believe it is impossible. 

We can know what a typical pain response reaction might be for a certain injury or illness and use that as a baseline but the rest is once again, all relative. It is assumed that all reports of peoples pain are accurate in comparison to their previous pain experiences. After all, that's all we have to compare it too.  People who try to compare their pain  experiences with others will never be satisfied as their pain of 10/10 may be another's pain at 3/10. This is why I think it would be really hard as a professional to make a judgement call on whether to give the person a potent medication to combat the pain or whether a smaller dose of a lighter pain medication would do the trick. We are all only human, including healthcare workers.

I am lucky and grateful that my pain experiences have never been questioned or dismissed by a medical professional, rather I have been able to find adequate relief via both pharmacological and non-pharmacological approaches. It saddens me though that I have had a negative experience when dealing with one specific nurses' approach to addressing my pain over the years. Her approach being that of ignorance and actively choosing to do nothing. I believe her choice to treat me poorly is because she does not like me personally (which is fine). This however should never be a reason to treat someone poorly or negatively, especially in a professional situation. I appreciate that all professionals need to have an understanding of the type, location and length of pain alongside the rating on the scale of 1-10 but I do not appreciate an individual's choice and opinion affecting the way pain is handled when a clear protocol is present and a professional has elected to ignore this.

There is always a flip side to every coin though. I don't know if I was just naive or stupid but prior to living in the hospital I did not know how much some people abuse the system. It was a completely foreign thing to me to witness a drug seeker doing anything to get some harder pain medications. I knew people addicted to drugs would do anything to gain some but I didn't realise how often it happened in a hospital/healthcare setting. It is so unfortunate that in today's world people are not always genuine so professional judgment is pivotal to ensuring safe use and administration of legal medications under their control. Everyday there are a number of people in the community who have drug seeking behaviours and addictive natures who will stop at nothing to gain high-level pain medications which makes everything harder for everyone.

After my surgery I was not in too much discomfort, infact I was sore but not pained. That night and the next day or so have been really bad hence this crappy attempt at writing so etching this week. All of this did get me thinking about a few things.

How bad is bad? 

What does this pain feel like?

How can I relieve this even a little?

What is the purpose of pain?

Is there any purpose to pain?

I don't know the right answers but I think these are good questions I try to ask myself when I am struggling to better understand my body and deal with the situation. This week I have a HUGE appreciation for my neck collar,ccomfy neck rest, dodgy blue pillow and also the multiple ice packs and nausea medications used as part of my survival kit.

Pain does not discriminate & people live with pain their whole lives. I don't know much about pain, I just know it hurts and everything would be better without it!! 

 "Problems are not stop signs, they are guidelines."

                                                      (Robert Schuller)

xoxoxo