Undecided. Am I? Maybe? No? Yes? Argh!! what?

Picture undecided.

                   OR






Forget the above, just look at me.

So today I finished my application for a Masters Degree. It was a pretty intense application with a lot of information required and proof of previous marks etc so it was a little drawn out getting it all together.

Today I also logged onto my current university to which I am enrolled to check semester dates for next year. I also replied to a scholarship email about choosing my professional mentor for next year.

So yes, I'm a little undecided.

So much of my life has been up in the air the last few years professionally, personally and health-wise. I've never really thought much about whether I had a life plan prior to illness.
I wasn't someone who knew at age 4 what I was going to be. I did know from since I can remember that I wanted to work in health and I always tossed around the idea of studying medicine to become a doctor. Then in year 7 legally blonde was all the rage so I thought that I might be a lawyer. Pink outfits, nice laptops, pretty hair and nails, cute dog and nice boy to top it off. Makes sense right?!? Ok so the lawyer thing didn't last long at all. I went back to my passion of healthcare.

I am now in limbo. I'm in limbo in so many areas of my life and I hate it. But today - especially in relation to my future career & study options, I'm stuck in abeyance.

I know my first preference would be to continue to study medicine and become a doctor but I do not know if I am physically capable of the coursework. Mentally my capacity to think & study is fine most of the time (I think?!). If I were to finish the degree I know there are many areas in which you don't need to stand countless hours of the day or do physical tasks. I believe I could work in a specialty, even with having some degree of disability, without too many hassles but I also understand the need for the coursework to be completed to prove competence & understanding of practises within many areas. Obviously the only way to become a doctor is through hard work, persistence and medical school. There is good reason for completing the degree as it's designed, as not only does it provide a wide base of knowledge but it also allows for the opportunity to see if you are up to scratch and ready to work in the field. It was so competitive to get in and it is something I don't want to give up until I am forced to make that decision by my health. Right now I'm clutching to straws as I'm on my last lifeline in attempt to save my position in the course.
In the meantime as I am covering all basis. I have applied for a masters in which I could complete via distance education for a start. Thankfully because I have already completed my degree in OT the option to do a masters or graduate diploma is viable to me. The one I've applied for is still within the healthcare scope, just a different aspect of it. It could be really interesting and I am intrigued as to the opportunities it possesses upon completion. I am hoping I get accepted. Not because I am certain I want it but I could see myself happy in this field and above all, I need to do something.

I need to do something 'normal'. I am enjoying being home and out of hospital. This is a wonderful feeling of freedom and unknown. I like that I can choose what I want to wear each day instead of a nurse grabbing whatever's in my draw, I like having options for breakfast, I like my own room, I like my own timetable. Upon realising I was still in hospital at the start of Semester 2, I have had no intentions of studying as I would be far to behind and I am not physically up to it. This time has been used to make the most of getting better with lots of rehabilitation and getting my feet back on the ground, both literally and figuratively. I am glad I have had this time to rest, recover & reboot from the first 9months of this year as I was so seriously ill at times, but I think am ready to get back into life and continue on my journey to better health.

As much as I'd like to flush my health issues down the toilet the fact is I am still really unwell and extremely debilitated. I cannot sit up for longer than a few minutes unsupported or move in certain directions and postures without going unconscious. Sickness has become such a huge consuming part of my life and I have not been able to control it. Now that I'm home and no longer in hospital I have more control over my days. This illness will not go away or magically disappear but I will keep getting stronger and keep fighting for the full life that I want. I am going to have the normal life I desire, there might just be some added elements to make my normal work for me. My life will involve a career. My life will involve a social life. My life will involve meaning. My life will involve a relationship. My life will involve ambition. My life will involve my friends & family. My life will involve everything and anything I want.

If I don't fight for what I want and bow down to accept my current situation as permanent then I am the loser in this story. By starting to do something normal and continue from there I hope that I'll have as good of a life as I would've if this didn't happen to me. I may not get as far as I would've in some aspects but in others I have already soared beyond my furtherst imagination. This journey is a bitch. It's cruel and nasty and plain out unfair but instead of letting this illness consume my whole being, it will be  just a part of me not all of me.

So even though I have NO idea what I'm doing I know that I'm doing something. If the something is another year of recovery or restarting my Uni studies than so it will be.
What are you doing?
What is your 'something'?