Cautiously Optimistic

It's lovely when you can see progress.

It's not something that we've seen continuously for the past 5 years but it's something I am lucky and grateful to be experiencing more often now. And it feels great!!

For a long time I have been idoling along and putting in the work with only small results, only to be knocked back to square one Every time. But, for the first time ever I think I am going to be OK.

I can't really say exactly why I believe things will be different this time, I just do.

With this feeling of cautious optimism and happiness comes feelings of nervousness that I might do something wrong or my body might fail me again and land me in hospital for months. 

I have tried so hard since becoming ill to keep looking forward. At times it has not been possible to keep this state of optimism and it has been a real struggle to stay focused and maintain a somewhat positive outlook, but I have tried. Each time I have been knocked back they have been such cruel & viscous robberies of the life I was looking forward to. Each time I've had to rebuild my faith that things will improve and that there will be better days ahead. This recent long admission was no exception, with losing a dream of mine and facing one of my biggest disappointments & losses to date. 

Now though, I feel like something has changed. I am on a nice but slow path of improvement thanks to my treatments & I just feel 'hope'. I still feel nervous about the future but I also feel more hopeful that life might just keep getting better. I am not disillusioned, I do know that my condition is unpredictable & that no matter how determined I am, my body has proven to show no mercy. I am not expecting miracles or a magical cure, I'm simply enjoying the calm right now. I am aware, I am wary but I am also excited at the prospect. A prospect that I haven't really had in a while.

I've got mountains to climb before I am independent & even a semi-functional human being, but the mountains aren't looking so far away right now, so I'll embrace this panorama and enjoy the comfort it brings.

xoxo