A beautiful servant. A dangerous master.

                          

I feel like my whole life I have been easy going and a worrier to some extent. I worried about things that now seem so trivial to me its laughable but in the moment these were huge to me and how I felt. I am sure I am not alone, am I?

I think we all have our own insecurities and whilst they feel so big and impending in that moment, I now look back on most of them as nothing more than a memory or fleeting feeling or worry.

Some, however, last longer than others and stick with you for a lifetime. There are some that sit in the back of my mind and simmer away whilst occasionally boiling up to the surface, then resuming position in the background of the mind. Not always at the forefront of my conscience, but never forgotten. For me, these are the worries that sometimes make me rest uneasy and pop into my mind during difficult times. I don't know if I am alone in dwelling on these worries or if it is normal, either way though...it sucks.

My worries can range from the simple things like what to wear to an outing or my nail colour and hairstyle, all the way through to bigger worries like my body image that has changed so much from the girl I once was, how I look when I feel really unwell, whether people still see me as 'me' instead of just the sick or disabled girl, how my studies are going and my deepest worry, how much of a burden I am.
To my family, my friends, my nurses, my doctors, my health professionals, my university. My everything. I worry I burden everyone and that right now, I cannot change it. I hate it.

This worry is so strong  and deep it physically and emotionally hurts some days, whilst other days it barely crosses my mind. With my life so different and my illness being a key defining feature over the last few years I can't help but be saddened and worried that I have burdened so many people and I do not know how to 'fix' it. I don't know if this is a common feeling amongst chronic illness sufferers or disabled people or simply people who need a helping hand, but I can imagine it might be. For me it's the loss of independence and the unrelenting factor of having to rely on others in almost every aspect of my life that gives me this negative feeling. Some days I don't want to wake up to my nurses and struggle through the routine. Some days wish I could just go to the shops myself, or my appointments or make my own lunch and dinner or help out more around the house and just be normal again. I wish I had space. Instead I rely on people and it feels very burdensome.

No one has ever said I am a burden or anything to me directly, and I know in theory it is just a thought and nothing more, but it haunts me. I was so independent and useful yet now I feel useless and unhelpful. My life is such a contrast it almost feels surreal when I talk of the better days. Like I am telling the story of someone I once knew, rather than that of what makes up parts of me and my life story. So much has happened these last few years it is just hard to move forward and be 'okay' in my situation and the vast impact it has had on so many things.

Whilst I am slowly improving everyday, I still rely so much on so many it makes changing these thought processes difficult. I have always tried to ensure that my illnesses or being sick does not define me, but some days when I'm stuck in the thick of it I can think of no higher definition than this and this leads to the ultimate burden on everyone in my life, especially my amazing family.  It rules my life and is there 24/7. Maybe I worry so much because the other things that I like to think define me are 'things' in my life but are perhaps not as controlling and uncontrollable, so seem less obvious at times.  When I combine the worries of illness defining me and being a burden they are far more 'real' and scary than I can describe.

I would hate for people to pity me or humour me with their kindness because they feel sorry for me. I don't want to be 'that' burden you have to deal with to comfort me or your personal guilt. I want everyone to see me as more than just my conditions and limitations. I want people to want to be around me and be part of my life, as I do theirs. But I do not want to be the burden. I want people to see the whole me and choose yes, rather than choose yes because of other reasons. I want my life and my interactions to be real and for that I need to try to let go of this worry and find peace.

Hard. So Hard. I don't even know where to start.

I understand theoretically my worries are nothing more than my mind ticking over but every so often I feel like they win and they are my reality and my perspective. Mindfulness is hard and learning to deal with this guilt is harder. It may be a worry or thought I carry with me forever, but I hope not. 

The mind is a beautiful and mysterious thing - what will be my next worry?  Will it stay long?

I don't know but I guess thats the beauty and bane of humanity and our psychology, it knows no boundaries.