Tuesday 29 July 2014

Life in the Stuck lane

Do you ever feel stuck or in a rut??

The word stuck has completely defined my last week.
I am stuck in hospital.
I am stuck in bed.
I am stuck in my pyjamas.
I am stuck in my social life.
I am stuck in my education.
Ahh hell of it, I'm stuck in my wheelchair too!!

I don't want to be stuck and I try so hard not to be but I am.

Over the weekend I had 4 of my bestest friends drive for over 2hrs each way to see me in hospital. It was pure bliss as always. It was Christmas in July this occasion so they all arrived in red & green offering Xmas cheer in the form of food and fun. I always secretly hope for them to sneak some contraband in like a nice white or bubbly but they know I shouldn't and so they resist. My IV pole was immediately decorated upon their arrival with tinsel brought to add to the fun. It was SO much fun!
At the end of a couple of hours I was totally wrecked and they noticed this so went on their travels back to their homes. As I lay in bed all alone again with the sound of the air conditioner humming away I think about the fun had & our chats &  I feel...stuck.

I keep thinking of my beautiful friends A, E, K & T and how well they are doing in life. Two of them have recently become beautiful blushing brides and the other 2 are engaged. A is doing her PhD whilst working simultaneously & planning an overseas trip, E has just built an amazing first home whilst climbing high in her successful career, K is working hard helping people whilst planning her wedding too and T is starting out at a new job of opportunities whilst finishing up her newly established home with her loving husband. They are all doing something and they are all going somewhere.
I love hearing their stories sharing laughs and gossiping happily and I wouldn't have it any other way. Afterwards though, it's all got me thinking - where am I going? - what am I doing?
The answer to both eludes the fact that I am stuck.

I am stuck in the hospital system again because my body has decided to misbehave. The biggest elements of my days here include whether my alternating shower day is today or tomorrow, what pajamas are the best temperature for today, I wonder what test is in store for today, will the physio and OT turn up today & the never ending question of when can I get out of here!?
When I consider that this is my typical day and these are my biggest daily grind I am not only sad but I feel deflated. I feel ripped off and cheated by my physical limitations and this leads to more thoughts about what I should be doing right now.

Uni. I should be at university and I should be finishing my degree in medicine this year. Instead I am stuck again. I am at the point (again) the university has to decide whether they will keep me in the course as I have failed to beat the deadline to commence and get home. It is getting monotones. Each year and each semester it comes like clockwork - me writing another letter to the Dean of Medicine requesting special leaves, deferments, absences as I am still to unwell or in hospital so cannot attend. I've tried so hard to stay in the course, hell, I've completed every online and minimal attendance subjects of the entire degree whilst an inpatient in hospital & lying in my hospital bed. I know I've tried my darnedest to show my commitment but I do not know if I've reached my last lifeline. I promised myself & indirectly the university that I would be fit for study this July for the start of semester 2, but I am nowhere near ready. In theory, I had to start this semester or else I would not fit in the typical timeframe of completing the course. So here I am again asking for a chance but knowing it's most likely not possible. I am left waiting on an email to decide my educational destiny. I'm stuck by my iPad waiting and wondering so many things. I wonder if I will be well enough to ever complete this?? Am I kidding myself?

I think living with a chronic illness has put me more in the stuck lane than ever before. Before illness my worries surrounding me were more choices and opportunities. I never felt like I do now, which is waiting with limited other options and no real choice.  Before Illness it was a different kind of stuck, like when you don't know if you want pink or blue...there are options and you can get unstuck by simply making a choice. Those choices all seem so easy in retrospect as I look on waiting for answers to things without any choice, rather things that leave me stuck.

I guess here's to another restless night of the unknown that is 'stuck'...

1 comment:

  1. Erika, your resilience and determination as you stare the comparisons in the face is nothing short of heroic. I admire that you can write about the sadnesses you feel even while you are happy for your friends. They sound like special people. You too, are a special person. I don't know why crap stuff happens to good people, I just know that we have to keep climbing the mountain until that day when we get to see some view. Take care sweet girl, keep looking up ahead on that track to the next good thing. You are a phenomenal person.

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