If I had a magic pill...

Would anyone else like a magic pill?
Not just for people with illnesses but an individualised magic pill that could alter your life or at least guide it in a different direction. I think most people would want something of the sort and I am no exception.
Right now I want a magic pill with multiple purposes to serve all of my problems and change my life for the better. I find lately that's my fallback line and it goes something like "oh if I just had a magic pill...". I think it's my way of brushing things off that are actually really true & pressing to me at the moment.
If I had a magic pill right now these would be my priorities

1. I think it's selfish but honest - my health.
I take so many pills per day that I've stopped counting. At last count about 2months ago it was a whopping 74 pills per day, no magic pill included. In my ideal bubble of a world I'd want my magic pill to allow me to sit up again. I just want to sit upright and maintain that position for a while. It's quite surprising the amount of core strength and stability that goes into such a simple movement for me, not to mention the concentration and symptoms as a result. Currently I am back to basics but not even close to as bad as I have been so I am thankful for that, but I still want more. I want to take the magic pill and be able to sit my wheelchair bolt upright and stay conscious. I want to sit up on a normal chair or lounge like everyone else around me. It seems so meaningless to some when I say this, but to my family & friends on my journey it would truly be like magic. I know I'll get there eventually and it might not take long, but right now, in this moment, it would be magic.
Being greedy on the medical magic pill I'd also like for my other autonomic functions to be better. I'd like to wake up without pain & nausea & the endless low bp & high hr measures - just to name a few. I have no doubt I would feel better in so many ways and maybe a little concerned at the feeling of being better or different as feeling good is so foreign to me these days. It wouldn't be a bad thing either way - I'd take it in a heartbeat (or 100+ if you include my tachy)!


2. This magic pill would be to take the load off my family.
Over the last few years I have caused many sleepless nights, anxious waits, missed days or work & study, tiredness & an unfathomable amount of sacrifice. I'd take the magic pill in this instance & relieve them of their worries and concerns. I would be well enough to function for periods without them so they could go on a mini holiday to relax and rejuvenate without worries. I would cook them dinner and clean the house like old days. I would have things ready for them and help them with simple tasks and jobs. I would take a million magic pills if it meant I could give them all their life back. I forever feel guilty and in dept to them for what they've all done for me. I know they don't think that way or want me to feel this way but how can I not?   I've gone from totally independent to totally dependent on them and others too. My hope is one day I will get more functional and try to contribute to their lives in the best way I can.

3. A magic pill for my studies.
As I've previously written, my studies are a huge factor in my life. Often my want & desire to return to my study has been a massive motivator for me. During the months where I've been to sick to get out of bed or sit the bed head up, the thought of being able to work in my chosen profession has kept me going. I'd take the magic pill and find clarity. I need clarity. Currently I remain submerged in the murky waters without direction. The magic pill would put it to me straight and tell me upfront if it's still worth continuing to fight for a course that I may never be physically able to work in. I would like  the magic pill to assist me to be physically healthy enough to get through the degree and meet new peers and provide me with greater knowledge.

4. Have my social & love life
This magic pill request is simply to make my life better. I am thankful and grateful for my life but I am forever wanting more. This magic pill would be a catalyst for having a better social life & love life. I see all my friends who are my age living these amazing lives and I can't help being envious of them. I would love a pill that would alter my body image and give me the confidence to feel ok in my wheelchair and my life. I'm forever brushing off and joking around about my total lack of love life. In reality it does upset me as I feel so behind the eight ball. I still struggle to accept the new me as the real me (but that's another blog post coming soon). If the pill gave me more acceptance I think I would be in a better mind frame for love. As for socially, the magic pill would simply allow me the health and positive attitude to go out and catch up with friends. Often I'm so tired or feeling unwell it never happens and I feel like my body is betraying me. I would like to not miss out on the big occasions, like weddings. Since being in hospital since 2010 I've missed being a bridesmaid multiple times and missed a number of weddings, at least 5 I think. I wish I had access to the magic pill back then as those are moments I will never get to share with those important people ever again.

The list I could continue with is endless so those are just a few of my dilemmas right now.

A magic pill is a strange concept. In some ways it makes me feel greedy for wanting it but in other ways it encourages many thoughts about the "what if" in life. If I was given a magic pill right now I'd probably take it and potentially regret it. Like any pill, I'm certain the magic pill would have side effects and they could be very detrimental. So much unknown....Maybe I need a crystal ball instead????

What would you use your magic pill for?